The less than bright side…but then?

photo by David Wayman

 

I cleaned my room today. Now, that may not seem like a big deal to some folk just as there will be others who give me a little imaginative high five from whatever place of safety and comfort they find themselves in today.

There will be still others who cannot imagine having the energy to lift the doona cover to shuffle to the bathroom because that is just the way that today feels and that is just fine too.

I have made a lot of changes this year. I’ve moved states, started studying in an area I know I am right for and that will lead to great things (if I can only just get through the #@8^ing course work!) and I’m playing the role of single mum to an almost four year old (with huge support in place from his dadda of course). There are many other bits and pieces going on but I may save that for another, more anonymous, blog post… J such a tease I am…

Looking over the last few weeks I can see how this situation unfolded. Not the room cleaning, although that has been a healthy symptom that maybe things are turning around, but rather my gradual and seemingly quite casual stepping downwards into a what felt like a personal prison constructed with my very own bars made of panic, paranoia, anxiety and self doubt.

I’m a big girl now. I have had a life full of experiences. Not all of them have been wonderful but one thing I really absolutely know about myself is that there is no point taking shortcuts. There is no point in attempting to do things quickly without taking time to face every little thing that pops up along the journey of new experience to examine consciously the effect it is having on you. Is it encouraging old habits, triggering past fears, building on past hurts without helping to heal? Maybe a bit of oh, I don’t know… ALL OF THE ABOVE?

And then there’s the old self-worth ‘pal’…. Who gave you the idea you could do this? Don’t you know you’re too old, too fat, too sensitive, too riddled with complex insecurities to possibly deal with making just a choice in the moment…any f$%#ing choice…

Any choice because actually the truth is that the sum of my experience is what has combined to exquisitely and painstakingly create the person I am today. I am unique and alive and bloody wonderful and each response I give, reflection I provide, choice I make is the right one for me to make in that moment and whatever someone else chooses to do with that is absolutely up to them in their own unique and wonderful way and I have no governance in that and it is not relevant to me.

So I cleaned my room today and I’m sitting in the rocking-chair that my mother gave to my grandmother, having just spoken to my gloriously kind and beautiful new housemate and I have had yet another time out of my classes but that’s ok. I am caring for myself so that I can return to my life (as a mother, partner, friend) and my work (as a student, artist and voice practitioner) and care for and facilitate the journey of others which is what I truly love to do and what I have been gifted with the ability and possibility of doing.

How very lucky I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What if all the world really IS a stage… ?

So yesterday morning I found myself in the local Magistrate’s court. The clerk called the court to order and said the standard “all rise..etc, etc”. As we were given permission to take our seats my youngest threw his hands in the air, shouted out a big yay and applauded. To him as  a mass we had just performed a beautiful synchronised choreographed movement and he was impressed.

Now he is a particular young fella. I have performed with him on me since he was 7 days old and only stopped because he got old enough to pull the microphone his way to have his turn. Morning usually starts with some music in “the dancing room” and not many days go by when he doesn’t witness one of his parents (or brothers) in a conventional performance situation. He is becoming aware that when you are audience you observe and you only ‘participate’ when there is a break or a conclusion.

I often am an observer. Not so much in the relatively small town that I live in but when I travel I am very quiet and reserved and I watch and sometimes I feel like applauding when I witness a beautifully constructed interaction or calling out ‘BOO’ if I am less than pleased with how a particular scene is playing out. I don’t though. Most of us don’t. I have occasionally subtly thanked an adolescent for offering a seat (out of ear-shot of mates of COURSE) and I have asked someone if they were alright after something upsetting has occurred but that’s been the extent of it.

What if we behaved as if we were on show? As if the choice of words and how we used them were important to the outcome of each moment. Oh it’s easy for me to say because for me “the stage” is a place of safety where I understand the parameters I am bound by. It’s my comfort zone.

Let me ask it a different way.

What if every time we interact with someone we do it in a way that shows that we care what a young person watching might think?

Let’s aim for applause 🙂