I cleaned my room today. Now, that may not seem like a big deal to some folk just as there will be others who give me a little imaginative high five from whatever place of safety and comfort they find themselves in today.
There will be still others who cannot imagine having the energy to lift the doona cover to shuffle to the bathroom because that is just the way that today feels and that is just fine too.
I have made a lot of changes this year. I’ve moved states, started studying in an area I know I am right for and that will lead to great things (if I can only just get through the #@8^ing course work!) and I’m playing the role of single mum to an almost four year old (with huge support in place from his dadda of course). There are many other bits and pieces going on but I may save that for another, more anonymous, blog post… J such a tease I am…
Looking over the last few weeks I can see how this situation unfolded. Not the room cleaning, although that has been a healthy symptom that maybe things are turning around, but rather my gradual and seemingly quite casual stepping downwards into a what felt like a personal prison constructed with my very own bars made of panic, paranoia, anxiety and self doubt.
I’m a big girl now. I have had a life full of experiences. Not all of them have been wonderful but one thing I really absolutely know about myself is that there is no point taking shortcuts. There is no point in attempting to do things quickly without taking time to face every little thing that pops up along the journey of new experience to examine consciously the effect it is having on you. Is it encouraging old habits, triggering past fears, building on past hurts without helping to heal? Maybe a bit of oh, I don’t know… ALL OF THE ABOVE?
And then there’s the old self-worth ‘pal’…. Who gave you the idea you could do this? Don’t you know you’re too old, too fat, too sensitive, too riddled with complex insecurities to possibly deal with making just a choice in the moment…any f$%#ing choice…
Any choice because actually the truth is that the sum of my experience is what has combined to exquisitely and painstakingly create the person I am today. I am unique and alive and bloody wonderful and each response I give, reflection I provide, choice I make is the right one for me to make in that moment and whatever someone else chooses to do with that is absolutely up to them in their own unique and wonderful way and I have no governance in that and it is not relevant to me.
So I cleaned my room today and I’m sitting in the rocking-chair that my mother gave to my grandmother, having just spoken to my gloriously kind and beautiful new housemate and I have had yet another time out of my classes but that’s ok. I am caring for myself so that I can return to my life (as a mother, partner, friend) and my work (as a student, artist and voice practitioner) and care for and facilitate the journey of others which is what I truly love to do and what I have been gifted with the ability and possibility of doing.
How very lucky I am.